50 is just around the corner

Fall is such a powerful time of year for me. I celebrate my arrival on this plane on December 29 of each year. It’s an interesting time to celebrate one’s existence. Four days after a good deal of the world celebrates the life of a Master Teacher and two days before the Romans, under Julius Caesar, decided we would start a new year. School was always out, so no celebrations with classmates. Most people are traveling to be with extended families. Only 8 days (a most auspicious number, eh) after the equinox. All in all, I love having this birth date.

It’s not unusual for me to spend time contemplating my life, and this usually accelerates around my birthday. This year will be no different. Turning 50 seems to be auspicious timing for undertaking this activity.

Upon waking a couple of days ago, a distinct impression, a powerful push, nudged me to consciousness. Life changes are calling. Some questions appeared in the first few moments of the impression: where is my energy weak? where might I be leaking power? how do I spend my time? Then the big question came a few hours later: what do you believe?

I haven’t examined and re-evaluated my belief system in a bit. I have received and integrated a whole lot of information over the last few years. This has had to have had an impact on my beliefs, but I haven’t taken the time to sit quietly to inventory and evaluate them with any intention. I think this has led to dissonance in my spirit. An example I can share: I claim to be a champion for compassionate behavior – except, apparently, when I’m driving. I see this as a sign that there is a crack in my vessel. The vessel which holds my spirit and soul in this body. And the crack points to dissonance in my being. My beliefs and my actions do not match.

It’s true these cracks aren’t always negative. Often times, when a new version of one’s self is being born, the vessel will crack to allow the new version of the self to emerge. Think chicken egg. It’s also true, I think, that dissonance, like balance, is a constantly shifting experience. Ignored, however, at the peril of one’s mental, emotional and physical well-being. So, I embark on the journey with a curious mind, but a cautious spirit.

Over the next few weeks, I will be undertaking a re-examination of my beliefs. Beliefs about myself; about human nature; about strength, love, hate and compassion; about the Divine; about what it means to be a woman. You get the gist. Some of this evaluation may be shared if I discern that the process might help others going through something similar. I look to many sources outside myself to gauge whether or not people in or near my orbit will benefit.

This means that I might be more of a hermit than usual. It will require me to remove unnecessary distractions. Disciplined time management principles are already in the process of being established. Japanese potters apply gold to cracks in pottery. The gold mends the breach and brings the vessel to wholeness. I will take this as an inspiration if the cracks need to be healed. But I will also contemplate the chrysalis and the egg. Perhaps a new version of myself is trying to come into existence.

I feel immensely blessed knowing that there are people, spirits and more-than-human relatives who are willing to support me in this endeavor. It’s a huge responsibility born of a certain amount of privilege.

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Twylia (the 'i' is silent)

~ I am Anishinaabe-kwe with Scottish heritage and Sami DNA. I speak on the behalf of no one but myself. My ancestors inform and guide me. My voice is but one of many who are calling for change. We have much work to do to create a good space for the real human beings who are waiting to be born.

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